"Grilled pizza" sounds pretty exotic, and maybe bizarre. But, it's not, really. If you have been to any of the "wood-fired" or "stone-cooked" pizza places that are popular now, you have had "grilled pizza."

(I am, probably, going to go on more than you want, but hold on, I promise that I am getting there.)

It is, actually, one of the quickest and easiest things to do on the grill ... that doesn't taste that way.

For instance, steaks (beef or seafood) need to marinate for several hours before going on the grill, if you don't want them to be dry and tough.

Pizza, like my recipes for shrimp and asparagus, are things you can pick up on your way home from work, and have them ready to grill, once the grill is hot enough.

First, let me define the term "Down & Dirty."

A friend of mine runs a semi-pro live theater. She does big shows, and most of the rest are, what she calls, "Down & Dirty." That means minimal preparation, minimal cost, minimal hassle, BIG return.

This is how I did my "Down & Dirty" grilled pizza tonight:

EQUIPMENT

First, you have to have a grill big enough to fit two pizzas. I would HIGHLY suggest you make "personal pizzas," about the size of store-bought tortillas works well.

Second, get a "pizza stone." I know, I know, ... I said "Down & Dirty," and then defined it. This would seem to contradict what I am saying. You can go buy a 'Pampered Chef-type pizza stone' for $30 (or more), if you want. OR, you can go to your local Lowe's, Home Depot, or whatever, and buy an unglazed terracotta floor tile for less than you will pay for a Coke at your favorite convenience store ... SAME *@#% THING. AND, the floor tile is the perfect size for a personal pizza.

SETTING UP THE GRILL

Get your grill "screaming hot." Best way to gauge this is hold your hand 3-5 inches above the cooking surface, and start counting "1 Mississipi, 2 Mississippi" ... etc. Less than "2 Mississippi" is too hot, and you, probably have flames rising through the grate (flames BAD). More than "5 Mississippi" is too cold.

Put your tile down, on one side, to warm up. Go through your cleaning routine, for the other side of the grill. (I can go through mine later, if you want.) I will just say that eating re-cooked, decomposing food is not good.

After things are clean and warm (this is much easier on a gas grill than charcoal ... and I am a "charcoal purist"), pull down the heat under your tile. On a charcoal grill, pull up the cooking surface, and rake most of the coals to the other side. On a gas grill, turn down the heat under the tile. On a charcoal grill, you want 3-5 "Mississippi" on the hot side. On a gas grill, the overall heat in your grill should be about 400, with the tile side being on the much lower fire.

(This sounds complicated, but, it's really not. On my gas grill, I leave the "hot side" on full, and turn down the "tile side" to just above half way.)

So, you have your grill set up to cook.

The procedure from here is easy.

GRILLING PIZZA

OVERVIEW

It consists of 4 components:
1) the dough
2) the paste
3) the toppings
4) the cheese

AND you handle these 4 parts in 3 moves:
1) cook the dough
2) add toppings, paste, and cheese
3) cook the pizza

Let's talk about the components first.

INGREDIENTS

THE DOUGH

You can go as simplistic or "foodie" on this as you want.

I watched Chef Anne Burrell on the "Secrets of a Restaurant Chef" make her pizza dough. Starting with activating the yeast, and letting it set.

You can go that route, or something like it, if you want. Do you remember me mentioning tortillas earlier?

I have had my best luck with packaged flour tortillas bought at the grocery store. (We use Mission Tortillas, because we have a friend with a yeast allergy, and Mission doesn't use yeast.)

THE PASTE

Pick whatever you want. I prefer a tomato base, myself. I have seen alfredo sauce and pesto sauce used, among other things.

The primary concern for "grilled pizza" is that you want to have a "thick" sauce. As little fluid as possible, or the pizza will be soggy.

THE TOPPINGS

Whatever you want. Your imagination is the limit.

Tonight I used: (cooked) "Hot" Jimmy Dean sausage; packaged, pre-sliced pepperoni; canned, sliced mushrooms; sliced tomatoes; sliced green olives; sliced, fresh bell pepper; bleu cheese; and oriental hot sauce ... among other things. (I cooked 7 different pizzas tonight.)

THE CHEESE

Your cheese for "The Cheese" portion should be grated. The cheese will be used to "glue" the toppings together, and to "glue" it to the crust.

The 3 "moves"

COOK THE CRUST

So, tonight, I took a tortilla, sprayed one side of it with non-stick cooking spray (Crisco Butter Flavor), and threw it on the hot side of the grill. I scooted it around, as it began to "bubble". So, it would "bubble" evenly. You don't want it too bubble much.

As you are doing this, spray the top side with you cooking spray.

Flip it.

Let it cook, but not much. You don't want the dough to cook too much. Only "mostly" done.

Take it off the grill, onto a plate.

ADD PASTE, TOPPINGS, AND CHEESE

1) Lay down a THIN layer of paste. If it is very thick your pizza will be soggy.

2) Add anything, and everything else you want.

3) Sprinkle, liberally, with your "glue" cheese.

COOK THE PIZZA

Put your pizza on the tile on the warm of your grill. Rotate, and cook your pizza, with the lid closed, mostly, until your dough is crispy, and the cheese is all melted.

Take it off the grill. Let it cool off ... don't want to burn your mouth, and eat.

SO, to recap:


1) Cook your crust, mostly
2) Top it
3) Cook your pizza
4) Eat your pizza

Now, my grill-disciples, go forth, amaze your family and friends with your grill expertise, and GRILL!

Found this on one of the sites I frequent.

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed dept store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went on to the jewelery dept where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited.

She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile. ... You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.