I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
-- Steven Wright

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
-- Steven Wright

I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)