(Another thing sent me by my father-in-law. I thought I
would post this on the blog. Try to give you something useful,
not just the normal stuff.)

"We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season.
Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather
person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean
and making two basic meteorological points :

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida.
If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what
you need to do to prepare! for the possibility that we'll
get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend
that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness
plan:

STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family
for at least three days.

STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3: Drive to Arizona and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not
follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay
here in Florida.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness
items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately
this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your
home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Arizona .

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any
other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most
insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane
insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU
money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance
business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge
around for an insurance company, which will charge you an
annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of
your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like
used dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have had an
estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week,
I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under
a policy that states that, in addition to my premium, Bob
and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows,
all the doors, and-if it's a major hurricane-all the toilets.
There are several types o! f shutters, with advantages and
disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make
them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that,
because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well,
once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once
you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding
stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very
easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The
disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to
pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in
hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but
they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this,
because the salesman says so. He lives in Arizona .

Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches,
check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills,
planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc...You
should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming
pool(if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have
one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will
turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation
route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying
area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida,"
you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an
evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home
when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in
a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along
with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus,
you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies.
Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you
wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket
and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets
the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you
will need the following supplies:

23 flashlights.

At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the
power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.


Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY
knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET
some!)

55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

A big knife that you can strap to your leg.(This will be
useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

A large quantity of raw chicken to placate the alligators.
(Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane,
there WILL be irate alligators.)

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane
passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no! discernible
teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane
draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast
of the situation by turning on your television and watching
TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean
and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for
everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: Its great living in Paradise.