Sunday, September 12, 2004
The Measure of a Relationship
What is the measure of a relationship? How can you tell how strong, how deep a relationship is? Not just the one with your spouse, but with your friends, co-workers, boss, etc.
Most people will tell you it is measured by how well you get along. They will tell you the longer you go without a disagreement is the way to measure how strong, deep, or good a relationship is. That disagreement, arguing is a sign of a weak, or failing relationship. A sign that the relationship is on the rocks .... if not too far gone to save.
Personally, I believe that view is a load of organic fertilizer. If anything, the opposite is true. The less you disagree is probably a sign of the relationship's weakness. Disagreement is the way to measure a relationship. For instance, I dated a girl in high school. I thought I was in love with her. We gave in to each other, and compromised on a regular basis. It, on the surface, was almost a text book picture of how to honor the other above yourself. Underneath it all I think we both knew (I knew after a while) that our first argument would be our last. If we ever argued, that would end the relationship, because the relationship was not a strong, deep relationship. It was based on my infatuation with her..... and her need to climb socially (I was a senior with a car, job(read: money), and a flashy letter jacket for her to wear). It was the most stress free dating relationship I ever had......right up until the end, which was our first and last disagreement. On the other hand, to call up another example from my high school dating career, my most stressful dating relationship was my best and strongest, the one that came closest to actual love. Our relationship started my junior year. She was a sophomore. We went out (that time) for about 5 months. My parents didn't like her. It was a time of year I was up to my ears in school activities, and my job was working me harder and longer than it did at any time in high school. It didn't help that my parents, about that time, bought 3 pieces of rental property that needed heavy renovation and they decided to do it themselves. I, being the oldest child, and having a job that put me near the properties at night when my folks were working on them, was "volunteered" to help. So, I have this girlfriend that I care about, a lot. My parents don't like her. I have a school schedule that keeps me occupied from 7:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.. I have a job that keeps me from 4:00 p.m. to 9:00-9:30 p.m. My parents have stuff I have to so from 9:00 p.m. to about midnight. This girl cares, at least, as much for me as I do for her.... My parents, with a slight manipulation, have fixed it so I can only see her between classes in school. (This was about 2 ½ months into our relationship) Because she misses me, and I her, the arguing starts. The strain of separation begins to wear on us, and the fact we can see each other for a few brief moments each day, only makes it worse. This went on for 2 ½ months. We had occasional breaks where we could go out, or, at least, spend the evening on the phone.
But, the arguing was okay. Why? We cared for each other enough that we didn't have to agree. It wasn't just the hormonal.... even though, she was, to my taste, very attractive (and as of the last time I saw her a few years ago, still is). It was more than that. We shared what hurt us. We knew what made the other tick.... and even though, we didn't always agree. We didn't have to. It wasn't a condition we placed on each other. If anything, we both reveled in our differences, and did things to understand the other better..... even after we broke up the first time. (We picked up the relationship 2 more times before..... well that is another story, for another time)
I am most fortunate, in that, I now have a wonderful mate. Our relationship has a similar basis. We were married when I was 19. She was 18. I will be thirty in just a few months. We've had some REAL disagreements in the last 10 years. But, that is okay. The survival of our relationship is not dependent on agreement. If it was, our marriage probably would not have survived my 20th birthday. (I went through a phase of true assholery shortly before that birthday.... all aimed at my wife (and she has had times of true bitchiness, but (for all you feminists) I think I have been an asshole more often than she has been bitchy))
It is important to understand that I am not advocating arguing. It is only an indicator of an attitude. The attitude is, basically, one that says I care (or respect) you enough that our differences of opinion are inconsequential. Like I said earlier, this concept can be used as a yardstick for any relationship. I use it to gauge my relationship, and how to deal with coworkers..... peers, subordinates, AND superiors. It is a change of perspective from what you will hear from the world around you, from the "experts" to your buddies. BUT, I have found it to be the most accurate measure of such things. And, unlike so much of what you hear, it actually works.
Most people will tell you it is measured by how well you get along. They will tell you the longer you go without a disagreement is the way to measure how strong, deep, or good a relationship is. That disagreement, arguing is a sign of a weak, or failing relationship. A sign that the relationship is on the rocks .... if not too far gone to save.
Personally, I believe that view is a load of organic fertilizer. If anything, the opposite is true. The less you disagree is probably a sign of the relationship's weakness. Disagreement is the way to measure a relationship. For instance, I dated a girl in high school. I thought I was in love with her. We gave in to each other, and compromised on a regular basis. It, on the surface, was almost a text book picture of how to honor the other above yourself. Underneath it all I think we both knew (I knew after a while) that our first argument would be our last. If we ever argued, that would end the relationship, because the relationship was not a strong, deep relationship. It was based on my infatuation with her..... and her need to climb socially (I was a senior with a car, job(read: money), and a flashy letter jacket for her to wear). It was the most stress free dating relationship I ever had......right up until the end, which was our first and last disagreement. On the other hand, to call up another example from my high school dating career, my most stressful dating relationship was my best and strongest, the one that came closest to actual love. Our relationship started my junior year. She was a sophomore. We went out (that time) for about 5 months. My parents didn't like her. It was a time of year I was up to my ears in school activities, and my job was working me harder and longer than it did at any time in high school. It didn't help that my parents, about that time, bought 3 pieces of rental property that needed heavy renovation and they decided to do it themselves. I, being the oldest child, and having a job that put me near the properties at night when my folks were working on them, was "volunteered" to help. So, I have this girlfriend that I care about, a lot. My parents don't like her. I have a school schedule that keeps me occupied from 7:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.. I have a job that keeps me from 4:00 p.m. to 9:00-9:30 p.m. My parents have stuff I have to so from 9:00 p.m. to about midnight. This girl cares, at least, as much for me as I do for her.... My parents, with a slight manipulation, have fixed it so I can only see her between classes in school. (This was about 2 ½ months into our relationship) Because she misses me, and I her, the arguing starts. The strain of separation begins to wear on us, and the fact we can see each other for a few brief moments each day, only makes it worse. This went on for 2 ½ months. We had occasional breaks where we could go out, or, at least, spend the evening on the phone.
But, the arguing was okay. Why? We cared for each other enough that we didn't have to agree. It wasn't just the hormonal.... even though, she was, to my taste, very attractive (and as of the last time I saw her a few years ago, still is). It was more than that. We shared what hurt us. We knew what made the other tick.... and even though, we didn't always agree. We didn't have to. It wasn't a condition we placed on each other. If anything, we both reveled in our differences, and did things to understand the other better..... even after we broke up the first time. (We picked up the relationship 2 more times before..... well that is another story, for another time)
I am most fortunate, in that, I now have a wonderful mate. Our relationship has a similar basis. We were married when I was 19. She was 18. I will be thirty in just a few months. We've had some REAL disagreements in the last 10 years. But, that is okay. The survival of our relationship is not dependent on agreement. If it was, our marriage probably would not have survived my 20th birthday. (I went through a phase of true assholery shortly before that birthday.... all aimed at my wife (and she has had times of true bitchiness, but (for all you feminists) I think I have been an asshole more often than she has been bitchy))
It is important to understand that I am not advocating arguing. It is only an indicator of an attitude. The attitude is, basically, one that says I care (or respect) you enough that our differences of opinion are inconsequential. Like I said earlier, this concept can be used as a yardstick for any relationship. I use it to gauge my relationship, and how to deal with coworkers..... peers, subordinates, AND superiors. It is a change of perspective from what you will hear from the world around you, from the "experts" to your buddies. BUT, I have found it to be the most accurate measure of such things. And, unlike so much of what you hear, it actually works.
